名师点评名校文书丨布朗大学文书这么写!

2017年06月24日 美中国际美国留学广州分部


名校丨名师丨文书丨点评

之十六






学校排名

U.S.News 综合第16


学校名称

Brown University  布朗大学


学校简单介绍

布朗大学(Brown University)是遐迩闻名的常春藤联盟,8所世界超级著名大学之一,1764年刚创建之初名为罗德岛学院,是全美第七古老的高校。其入学竞争极为激烈,本科生入学率为9.5%。该校最大的特征之一就是小而精。在当今大学人数不断增长的环境下,布朗大学依旧保持着严格的招生制度,和极高的入学门槛,师生比约为1:8。堪称小型的顶尖私立研究型大学,本科生6182人,研究生仅1974人,全职教师736人。但在如此之少的教师队伍中,就有五位诺贝尔奖得主,还有两位校友也曾获得诺贝尔奖。


文书范本

A Home Destroyed


I was seven years old when I saw the ocean for the first time. My grandmother had invited me to visit her near Okinawa, Japan. I will never forget that encounter—the intense sun, the endless horizon, the infinite shades of blue that dissolved any boundary between sky and waves. And most of all, the secret of the water. Swimming in those waters was like diving into a kaleidoscope, deceptively plain on the outside, but a show of colors on the inside, waiting to dazzle me, mesmerize me. Those colors! Coral reefs—pink, green, red, purple—covered the seafloor; streaks of sunlight illuminated them, the swaying water creating a dance of hues. And weaving in and out of the contours of coral swam brilliant fish that synchronized every movement with the water, creating one body, one living entity. I longed to join and flow with them to the music of the waves; that’s where I felt I belonged. And leaving was like parting home, not going home.


Five years later, I returned. At first, all seemed to match my memory: the crystalline waters and that open horizon with the sun daring to come closer to Earth. But the second I dove in, I knew my home had vanished…white. That’s all I could see around me: bone-white death. I couldn’t accept it. I kept swimming farther out, hoping to catch even the smallest hint of color. But there was no sign of that brilliant garden I remembered, just fragments of bleached coral. It was like looking down onto the aftermath of a war: a bombed city, with only the crumbles of cement to testify for the great buildings that once stood. But who was the culprit behind this egregious attack?


Though at the age of twelve, I couldn’t even begin to guess, I now know the answer is us. Humans are an impressive species: we have traveled to every continent, adapted to countless environments, and innovated to create comfortable means of living. But in the process, we have stolen the colors from nature all around the globe, just as we did that coral reef. Our trail of white has penetrated the forests, the oceans, the grasslands, and spread like a wild disease. I, too, have left a white footprint, so I have a responsibility to right these wrongs, to repaint those colors, and to preserve the ones that remain. Some question why I should care. The answer is simple: this planet is my home, my birthplace. And that, in and of itself, is an inseparable bond and a timeless connection. Nature has allowed me my life, so I have no right to deny its life. As Jane Goodall once said, “If we kill off the wild, then we are killing a part of our souls.” This is my soul—our soul. I know that I alone cannot protect this soul, so I will not make a promise that I cannot fulfill. But this promise I will make: I will do what I can do.


申请顾问编著点评

有冲突的文章才会让读者印象深刻。该学生的文书从Ta七岁那年第一次看到大海的壮观景色开始进行场景描写,如强烈的阳光,一望无际的地平线,蓝天大海相接,各种色彩缤纷的珊瑚礁和游鱼,让Ta惊叹不已,甚至对日本产生了家的感觉,萌生出强烈的依恋,不舍得离开。然而五年过后,这一切昔日美好的景象已一去不返,同样的地方场景却不在一致,前后情境对比非常地强烈:珊瑚礁全都变成了白色,海洋生态环境被破坏的非常地严重,这样的情况引发学生去思考到底谁是造成这种情况的罪魁祸首。


通过学生的思考,Ta意识到造成各种各样生态环境破坏的罪魁祸首正是我们人类自己,人类的足迹遍布高山森林大海,在这些地方都留下了我们自己的生存轨迹,却在同时也破坏了自然环境原有的色彩和生机,而忽略了地球是我们人类赖以生存的家园这一事实。也正是因为Ta的反思,才会意识到要靠自己的努力和力量去改变已被破坏的生态环境,而这些方面又是与学生所申请的专业——生物专业分不开的,要拯救自然环境之前一定是要先对大自然的生物有所了解的,这篇文书也相当于向招生官展现了学生为何要学习生物这个专业的具体动机。


通过阅读这篇文章,我们能够看出该学生是一个非常善于观察和进行环境科学研究的人,并且她将自己的亲身经历这样一件小事与大的环境问题联系起来,进行阐述和对比。从Ta开头的两段的环境描写,能够看出Ta对大海特别深沉和细腻的爱,并凭着这份情感想要为改善生态环境做出自己的贡献和努力,通过文书展现了Ta很好的语言功底、逻辑思维能力和反思能力,我认为这些都是学生能够获得录取的重要因素。



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