【揭秘】无忧内部学员8分作文赏析-附考官批注

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收藏文章 赞一个 已赞 2016-07-21 墨尔本无忧雅思


写作批改系统——8分范文赏析

这是一篇无忧学员的批改作文。题目也算是一个常见的老题啦~题型也是常见的to what extant do you agree or disagree~ 那么大家来 看看,为什么这篇文章,能得到8分的高分呢?


Q:Government funding should only be provided for the best students as scholarships. Other funding of universities should come from student fees and private organizations. To what extent do you agree or disagree?



The question of how university funding should be allocated sourced (I change this word to ‘sourced’ b/c really this questions is about where university funding should come from) is hard to answer. In my opinion, government, private organizations and students all should all (It is not incorrect to say ‘all should’ but the most natural place for ‘all’ here between the auxiliary and the main verb ‘should all make’) make contributions accordingly.


It is widely accepted that governments should provide scholarships to excellent students. This is due to the fact that funding scholarships is an effective way to promote national academic development. This is especially true when brilliant students are facing financial difficulties in embarking on study or continuing their academic research. By granting scholarships to these students, governments can monetarily help them further their education and research which may will hopefully contribute to the overall academic advancement of the country


Besides,  However, government funding should not be limited to scholarships for top students. The educational sector deserves more government funding generally because investment in this sector is an investment for in the future. Excellent education can cultivate useful citizens in the future who are better equipped to tackle tomorrow’s challenges. Thus, government should also continuously fund educational facilities in universities. Financially supporting the deployment of computers in libraries is a case in point. Increasing computer accessibility enables students to search for whatever resources they need. This may benefit them as individuals and make them grateful contributors to the society. (The point you make in this sentence is perfectly valid; however, the focus of this paragraph is on funding university facilities so the focus of your statement about the benefit should be on the university not individual students e.g. ‘This will benefit universities by enabling them to provide a superior quality service to their students and build an international reputation.’)


However, students and private organizations should also make contributions to the university funding. This is primarily because investment in the educational sector is huge and government can hardly bear it by its own (This expression is not correct. You are mixing up 2 expressions ‘by itself’ and ‘on its own’. You should use either here.) Besides, Oorganizations should share the responsibility with the government in funding universities (These words are redundant here b/c the reader knows the kind of funding you are talking about) because they will ultimately enjoy the benefit of the skilled and trained human resources universities produce. Students, as the benefit receivers (The word you want here is ‘beneficiaries’), should also contribute to the university funding through means tested fees. They can also bear other costs, Ffor instance, numerous club events held in universities are generally funded by student members. 


In conclusion, university funding is a shared responsibility among governments, private organizations and students. They all should make monetary contributions on their parts. They should all make partial monetary contributions.


看完了这篇文章,以及殿堂级外教的修改,大家有没有从中学到不少东西呢?大到Idea,小到词句,希望大家都能获益匪浅!其实雅思写作并没有想象难,也没有大家所谓的大词难词,有的只是条理清晰的解析和表达!~

下面我们来看看,殿堂级外教是如何评分的:


Feedback:

TASK RESPONSE    Well Done

  • Sufficiently addresses all parts of the task

  • Presents a well developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas

  • Please see above the improvements I have made to the development of the argument e.g. explaining why organizations should pay; it is not simply that government can’t afford to take all he burden but that companies are also beneficiaries like students. 


COHERENCE AND COHESION   Very Good -Well Done

  • Logical sequencing of ideas

  • Uses paragraphs sufficiently and appropriately

  • Only the poor link between para 2 and para 3 lowers your score to a very good for this skill


LEXICAL RESOURCE   Well Done


  • Wide range conveying precise meanings

  • Occasional inaccuracies


GRAMMAR   Well Done


  • Uses a wide range of structures

  • Majority of sentences error free

  • Occasional errors



如果有任何与雅思或者PTE或者英语学习相关的问题,都可以随时“骚扰”无忧小雅哥(mr_51ielts)和悉尼雅思姐(mrs_51ielts)哦!~=


近期开课信息
【墨尔本校区】
7分写作口语:
白班 8月1日开课,共两周;
晚班 8月8日开课,共三周。
6分四项基础班:
白班/晚班每周一滚动开班哦~ 每周一即可入学!
5分基础课程,每周循环开课,详情咨询无忧小雅哥(mr_51ielts)哦~

PTE课程篇:
平时强化班:周一~周四,共两周结课;
周末班:周六+周日,共四周结课。

【悉尼校区】
7分写作口语:
白班:7月25日开课,共两周;
晚班:8月1日开课,共三周。
6分白班/晚班循环开课,所剩名额已经不多了哦!
详情请联系悉尼雅思姐(mrs_51ielts)哦!

无忧小雅哥 mr_51ielts


悉尼无忧雅思姐 mrs_51ielts



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