【高能】论一篇7.5分的学生作文,是如何养成的?

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墨尔本无忧雅思
写作批改系统范文一览

这是一篇无忧内部的写作批改文章。今天我们不 “吝啬”, 拿出来给大家一起欣赏一下,看一下这篇给“殿堂级”老师批改的作文,为什么能拿到7.5的分 数呢?究竟好在哪里?不足的地方又有哪些?


Topic: News media is more influential nowadays and some people think it is a negative development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

【这个题目其实并不难,媒体类虽然不那么常考,但是也是十大分类之一。To what extent do you agree or disagree的问法,也是非常常见的。大家要注意审题,题干中有more, influential, nowadays, negative这几个关键词,由于是to what extent,所以大家要注意在个人观点前,加上partly/completely这类的程度词。】
The (In today’s society, the) advanced technology development (development of technology) has contributed to the influential news media (influence news media has) worldwide, which benefits our society economically and culturally. While it provides us convenient communication and latest (the latest) news, it also generates both positive and negative outcomes.

The obvious argument in its favor is that the superior (up-to-date) news media brings us latest news and events happening in the world, thus broadening our horizon without going far away for traveling (having to travel) and visiting (visit) other places in the world. The immediate exchanging of conversations, news, pictures and videos facilitates communication between each other, and make politics, economies, and other areas more transparent for the public (for example?). It has become the essential driven (driving) force for globalization (for example?) and has shortened the distance between people (for what reasons?). Thanks to news media, the public can easily access to a great variety of channels for news, programs and other information (such as?)

【通过这段批改可以看出,作者会犯一些细节上的语法错误,但是并不影响阅读和理解。同时,作者写的内容太过General,所以批改的老师一直强调why? Such as? 大家在写作的时候也要注意,一不小心就容易写的太过笼统,和没写一样。但是这一段,有一个写的不错的地方,那就是非常的扣题。每一句话间的逻辑联系很不错,TR和CC的分数,自然就拿到了。从词汇方面来说,作者的用词虽然并不都是大词难词,但是胜在用的准确。】


There are (could be better introduced), however, some disadvantages. The huge influence caused by news media somehow becomes the tools of hackers and criminals conducting wrongdoings. Fake news, malicious hacking, and internet bullying, etc can be seen anywhere, anytime. The worst thing is that the public often are misled by the information provided on the news media without identifying the truth. It turns out the victim has to be faced with the big pressure and humiliation from the reckless comments and criticism on the media platform. We need laws and regulations to tackle these issues and address these loopholes strategically. The wide scale influence of news media can bring us troubles (trouble) even harm (Comma is needed here) if it is not managed properly.
【这一段从反面开始论证。讲完了好处,就开始讲不好的地方。这样才能够体现Introduction段落中提到的 “both positive and negative”. 这一段作者犯的错误并不多,可以说写的很不错。但是有一些细节的语法点,例如标点符号之类,还是有被忽略哦!所以大家在平时练习或者学习英语的时候,千万不能忽视细节,要知道,在火眼金睛的考官眼里,一个comma都是一个错误点!更别说,名词单复数的问题了!在偶们眼里的小问题,在批改的老师面前,可不会被放过哦!】

News media nowadays does bring us benefits and unprecedented miracles. It accelerates the development of our society in many areas. In the 21 century, facing with the fast development of science and technology, we have to embrace news media and make use of it carefully. Although there are some negative outcomes along with it, it (they) can be solved within the laws and regulations adopted. I believe we will enjoy the happiness and convenience brought by the (a possible) advanced, legalized media system.
【总阶段,作者重复了自己文章中的观点,用了不同的方式和表达去paraphrase,也让考官再次了解了作者的语言功底哦!这也就是为什么,最终这篇文章的LR和GRA可以拿到7-8分这样的高分。该Show off的时候,千万不要 “手软”哦!】

Feedback
这是 “殿堂级”批改老师对于这篇文章的总体Feedback。原来,除了文章中对于细节的批改,文后还有这么一大段详细的批改以及Feedback!考官会像真实考试一样,从四个不同的评分项出发,给大家写下详细的comments,给出详细的建议,让大家瞬间明白,为什么自己总是差一点点呢?为什么总是考不到理想的分数呢?要解决问题,得先locate the problem, and then work out solutions accordingly! 

• Word Count is appropriate although high for a 40-minute essay. Did you time yourself?

Task Achievement – Very Good
This response addresses all parts of the task and you have presented a clear position. You have expressed some very valuable ideas with supporting examples however; I think you could expand further giving more specific ideas to show your knowledge.
A very good conclusion.

Coherence & Cohesion – Very Good
Your essay is logically organized with a clear progression of arguments throughout. You have used some very good cohesive devices within your paragraphs but there could be better choices in introducing paragraphs. To increase your mark, you would need to show a larger range for better cohesion.

Lexical Resource – Very Good to Well Done
The vocabulary used is sufficient for the task showing some flexibility and precision of meaning relating to the topic. You have displayed the use of more uncommon lexical items successfully. Just be careful to be consistent with your accuracy.

Grammar & Accuracy – Very Good to Well Done
A very good variety of structures is shown and complex sentences are produced well. The majority of the sentences are error-free. You do have to take more care with some structures. Please try to use more passive structures in academic writing and take care with tentative language.


小伙伴们终于见识到了无忧老师们一丝不苟的批改了吧,每一个学生正是有了这样贴心的,专业的作文批改服务,加上上课正确的方法和引导,才能有如此之高的通过率

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