你以为"没必要深究",但其实是丢分的细节!内部7分范文赏析

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收藏文章 赞一个 已赞 2016-04-27 墨尔本无忧雅思


这是一篇无忧学员写作批改的文章~ 妥妥的7分!

但是考官还是“吹毛求疵” “鸡蛋里挑骨头”的批出了不少的错误。很多,都是大家平时觉得 “没必要深究” 的细节点。但殊不知,不少同学丢分,就丢在这些细节点上!

Cambridge 11 Test 3 Task 2
Some people say that the only reason for learning a foreign language is in order to travel to or work in a foreign country. Others say that these are not the only reasons why someone should learn a foreign language.



In the present age, there are a growing number of people who like to acquire the skill of a foreign language. It There is no doubt that each individual has different personal motivations to learn language skills for learning another language. Some people assert that the only purpose reason to learn a new language is for travelling to or working in foreign countries while many others believe there are other reasons more than beyond that. Personally, I agree with the idea that, for majority of people, the main incentive to study another language is to visit or find a job in a foreign country, however, there are some other reasons as well. For people to learn a foreign language, for instance, by understanding their languages, individuals could discover a new culture and develop life-long friendships with people from different backgrounds. (This is rather wordy for the introduction of a short essay so think about using noun phrases to capture the idea more succinctly. E.g.: ‘…there are other reasons as well such as the discovery of new cultures and cross-cultural friendships’)
 
On the one hand, it is always true that travelling and working will become much easier if people could can master the local language. For tourists, as the ability of speaking the local language enables them to travel independently, they could explore local tourist attractions deeply without the help from of a tourist guide and have more flexibility to adjust their itinerary. (Again, this sentence could be shortened using noun phrases. E.g.: ‘For tourists, local language skills enables more independent travel, a more flexible itinerary and a deeper exploration of a culture.’ This sentence has now come down from 37 words to 20 words approx. The ability to use noun phrases like this shows greater language power and flexibility.) For people who are actively seeking employment opportunities overseas, their employability will be improved largely by excelling in the local language(Your expression here is ok but needs to be stronger. ‘… without an ability to speak the local language, it will be almost impossible to get work and opportunities would be limited to low paid jobs such as factory work.’) Meanwhile, after getting the job offer, the language ability will help them to fit in to the local working environment much faster.

Nevertheless, there are many other incentives for people to learn a foreign language. Firstly, with the ability of mastering local inhabitants’ language, individuals could can (‘can’ refers to ability whereas ‘could’ refers to possibility; as you are talking about facts or what people are able to do with language skills, ‘can’ is better here) understand the way people think directly (Why is understanding ‘directly’ better?). For example, foreign language learners could can enjoy the latest literature or music from an overseas country without having to access a translated version. In the second place, people will become more open-minded and meet new foreign friends if they could can overcome language barriers.

Based on the analysis discussed above (wrong verb, we do not ‘discuss an analysis’, you could say ‘based on the analysis above’ OR ‘based on the discussion above’), it can concluded that vocations overseas vacation or employments are not the single reason to learn a foreign language. There are additional incentives, such as exploring different cultures and communicating with foreign friends.

WORD COUNT:

338 words is a bit too long; minimum 250 required; aim for 270 to be safe


TASK RESPONSE   

Very Good

·Answers all parts of the question
·Presents a clear position throughout the response
·Extends and supports main ideas but with a tendency to over-generalize and/or lack focus

COHERENCE & COHESION   

Very Good

·Logically organizes ideas; clear progression throughout
·Clear central topic in each paragraph
·Uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately but with some over/under use
 

LEXICAL RESOURCE   

Very Good

·Use of a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
·Use of less common vocabulary with some awareness of style and collocation
·Occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
 

GRAMMAR   

Very Good

·Uses a variety of complex structures
·Produces frequent error free sentences
·Generally good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors



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