干货 如何拿捏申请文书的分寸?(附真实文书案例)

2015年11月02日 美国留学妈妈圈




现在真是到了美国大学及高中申请的冲刺阶段。冲刺本来是要快跑的,但美国学校申请的最后重任是在文书上,而任何写作都是要拿捏的。


记得今年初录取结果出来时,妈妈群里一位家长贴给大家一个学生的文书案例,问大家说,这文书写得很好啊,但为什么理想的学校没有录取。那文书我读下来,感觉很生硬,甚至有些自负傲慢。总之是tone and manner 不对。文字上倒是通顺流畅的。而文章风格,腔调和用词的细微差别(nuances)又不是三言两语可以说清楚的。


今天我们请具有30年教龄的前北京乐成国际学校的升学总监Andi老师,给大家拿几篇具体文书的例子,详解从一个美国老师,升学导师,招生官的视角,是怎样看学生的申请文书的。本周末妈妈圈再次开线上课堂,请美国老师们给大家做文书案例分析。

对于12年级毕业班的同学来说,文书是申请过程中最难的部分,同时也是最重要的部分。个人陈述以及各个学校的补充文书或问题,是在申请过程中孩子能给为他录取或拒绝投票的老师们展示自我的唯一环节。


学生们在写作中经常掌握不好自夸 “bragging”和分享 “sharing ”。他们希望招生官对他们印象深刻,但不确认怎样写一个好文书来达到这个目的。对于国际生来说,这就更难了,因为还有语言掌握的问题,如果用母语写作可能会好得多。大家往往喜欢先用自己的母语构思,甚至写出来,然后再翻译成中文。这是万万不可行的,因为英文中文实在是太不同,生硬的翻译在英文里读来不知道学生要表达的准确意思。


文书有三个主要部分:1段开头,1-2段中间部分,1段结尾。最关键的是开头要写得非常好。如果是一个非常平淡的开头,一般大家就没有意愿仔细读下去,尤其是你的读者已经很累了,而且当晚还有100篇其他学生的文书到看。你要用你的第一段去吸引老师饶有兴味地读下去。


案例1:下面是一个美国本土学生的申请文书的开头:

Rust-colored streaks ran down his face. Blood, I thought, alarmed. His expression twisted in anger and pain.His hands were zip-tied behind his back and he was being dragged down the hallway by a police officer. A continuous stream of curses erupted from hism outh and tears flowed from his eyes. Peter is a twelve-year-old student in my seventh grade homeroom. The police had been in our school for less than 20minutes. I couldn't understand what was happening. I still don’t even know whythey were there.


When I got closer to Peter Istarted coughing uncontrollably and quickly learned what was all over his face.“Pepper spray,” the officer offered nonchalantly. That was the last time Peterset foot in our school building. It will probably be the last time he attendsany public school. The school to prison pipeline isn’t just a theory; Peter isliving it.


这是一个很长的开头,但这个学校要求写一篇三页的文书,所以长一点的开头也是合适的。这个学生是在申请管理研究生(MBA),她在文章的后面部分写了她希望变革贫困区域内公立学校管理的想法。她已经有一个教育学的硕士,和6年的教师经验。


案例2:下面这篇是我们正在辅导的一个12年级中国学生的文书开头。


这是回答这个经典问题的:回顾你曾经挑战过的一个观点或信念。你当初为什么会挑战它?你现在重新选择的话,还会做同样的决定吗?


I spent my first sixteen yearsof my life in China, attending schools under the national system. This systemis well-known that many students end up with really strong academic abilitywith its strictness and well-established structure. Starting from kindergarten,I was trained Math and English skills for my entry to a good elementary school.Countless extracurricular classes and tons of competitions in elementary schoolprepared me for getting into one of the best middle schools in my city.


你可以看到几处语法和措辞上的错误,显示这是一个英语为非母语学生的文案。这个孩子托福考了107,目前的SAT写作分数是670。我们作为她的升学导师,下一步的目标是要让她把这个开头写得更个性化,也更有意思。这面这段是她改过的第二稿,可以看出一些进步和变化:


I spent the first sixteen yearsof my life in China, attending schools in the national system. This system iswell-known for producing students with really strong academic ability due tothe strictness and well-established structure. Starting from kindergarten, Iwas trained in Math and English skills for my entry to a good elementaryschool. Countless extra classes and tons of competitions in elementary schoolprepared me for getting into one of the best middle schools in my city.


我们下面还有很多工作要做,让这个文书更有特点。这个学生很喜欢艺术,虽然她在中国公立学校系统里面成绩很好,但她觉得不喜欢,也没有机会开发她艺术方面的创造性。所以她决定离开中国到美国上高中。下面是她文书的结尾:


WhileI do believe the Chinese national system helps students develop a strongability to memorize academic material and develops students with a strong workethic, that style of education does not value creative skills. I believe my decision to seek a different education in the US has helped me to become a more creative thinker.It was hard to challenge an education system that was highly valued by my culture,but, if I could turn the clock back and make this decision again with the knowledge I have now, I would make the same choice.


在结尾的时候,她回到文书的主题,并且总结她文书中的观点。很多学生写不错的文书,但有时会跑题忘记问题的主旨。这种短文书非常关键的一点是要扣紧问题,及时总结。


文书的中间部分是你充分展开,论证你所支持观点的部分。前面这个学生在文中讲她的纠结,她尊重中国的教育体系,但就是觉得有东西缺失。她先是找了很多课外活动,来帮助她开发艺术特长和创造性思维,但随着课业越来越繁重,高考压力越来越临近,她需要放弃所有课外的学习来保持好成绩。在那种情形下,她下决心去美国念高中。


文书写作是很个性化的,一个孩子和其他人有很多相似的地方,但更有许多他独具的特点。在个人文书当中,老师更希望看到这个孩子与众不同的特点是如何在文书中展开体现的。


非常重要的一点是这个文书要体现孩子的声音和孩子的现有水平。需要记住,申请材料里面包括是包括孩子自己在SSATSAT/ACT中的写作文本的。招生官在申请文书和考试文书中比较孩子的写作水平和独特的声音,当我读到一个非常好的学生文书的时候,感到就像我刚刚见到了这个孩子,对于他个特点和个性有了切身感觉。


案例3:下面是我们今年辅导的一个申请美国高中的学生正在改进的文书:

他需要到美国高中继续上提高英文的课程(ESL)。这个文书写起来对他有点难度,他的托福分数会在80左右。看看这个文案,你是否感觉学生是在努力找合适的词汇和语句表达他想说的事情:


Golf has helped me develop manypositive characteristics. I have been able to develop honesty becauseduring the golf game, I should mark the number of times I hit the ball bymyself, so I need to be perfectly honest. There is no pressure to play quickly. Everyone has their own speed of playing, so sometimes we need to give way to people who playing faster than us.


This also teaches me to be modest. There are a lot of rules for playing golf. For example you cannot fling your clubs on the grass, so even if I do not get an ideal score, I have learnedt o be calm and play gently. Golf also encourages me to be friendly and considerate of others. It is a very polite game.

Golf is also a good sport formy body, my mind and my health. When you play soccer and basketball youneed to compete with others and it is very physical to your body. These kindsof actions may make you injured. Playing golf is relaxing but stillan aerobic sport. My favorite golf days are filled with beautiful sunshine and fresh air. As I walk and swing my club, I can make myself feel relax as Iexercise. I look forward to improving my game and playing on a team.


在辅导这个孩子的过程中,我会问他很多问题来帮他展开他的思路。原来这个文书开头的四句话,现在变成了4个小段落,同时又要保持在他的英语水平和15岁孩子的声音里。这个水平比他在SSAT的写作略高,但不是高出不可理喻。录取官可以看到他需要英语的进一步补习和提高,但可以看到他真实的自己,并且知道这文书是出自他手。他的用词不是一个英语是母语的人会选的,这一点其实很重要。


个人文书就像字迹一个是每个人专属的。每个孩子要深思熟虑属于自己的个性特点和梦想,然后用心来写作,并且一定要切中所问的问题。我们建议孩子要静下心来内省,然后分享一个你个人的故事让招生官来见到你,认识你!


“美国留学妈妈圈”微信线上课预告:

时间:北京时间11月6日(星期五)晚8:00-9:30


主题:美国大学申请文书案例详解


演讲者:北京乐成国际学校前升学总监安迪老师,MIT阅卷官Tracy老师

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